Trial and Error

It has been awhile, yes I know….
While some like to say no news is good news, in this case, no news means just that: nothing new. I set out to try my theories obtained from The Manual, turns out it’s not as easy as it seems, to me that is.
Matt had wandered back into the picture since I wrote last. I allowed for his busy workweeks, and frequent trips out of town. I saw him casually, and had fun with him, it was great…at least I pretended it was. I tried not to question where things were going, or give our situation any kind of label, I mean that is what sends men running right?
Nevertheless, there was always that little voice in the back of head, or that flip way down in the pit of my stomach that had me questioning; questioning anything and everything.

I didn’t want to allow my previous trial and errors with men to affect what I had with Matt; why should he suffer for the ghosts of my boyfriends past. I wanted to go into things with Matt with a clean slate, allowing for a fresh start with no walls, barriers, or dishonesty.

The question I ask is: where do we stop in using our past failed relationships as a helpful travel guide through dating world, and when do start using our gut/intuition? Moreover, how do we recognize the difference from that gut feeling versus our apprehensions from our previous heartache?

There were telltale signs that Matt was a time waster for me. Besides being a workaholic, which for a young up and coming male in the Financial District is understandable. He was self centered and rarely took an interest in what was going on in my life. Weeks would go by without seeing Matt. We would have dinner, or spend a night in, and then he would jet off out of town for business. I tried to do my own thing, go out with my friends, not read into it, but there was always that feeling.

Lets travel back in time for a moment shall we… to a few years ago when I dated a devilishly handsome man. We met at work, and started out our relationship very secretively, not wanting to draw attention to our romance to co-workers. After some time things were going well and we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We became public with our relationship, we met each other’s friends, we got along great, had mutual interests and I thought we were happy. Then one day I was at a bar having drinks with friends when a man came up to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I had no idea how to answer…I mean my devilishly handsome man and I had been dating for 4 months, but were we considered a couple? Was he my boyfriend? So I ended the relationship that night.
Why would I do that you ask? Well it was done indirectly; I didn’t even see it coming. I made the mistake of asking my devilishly handsome man if we were a couple. I didn’t think it was an outrageous question, considering we had been seeing each other for 4 months. Apparently to him it was a scary question, he ran for the hills, stating that “if we identified our situation as a relationship by using such labels as ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ it would change the entire dynamic of what we had.” I was lost! What had just happened? This man with whom I had never had a fight with ended our relationship after 4 months because I told him I didn’t know how to answer the question “do you have a boyfriend?”
Apparently, to some, labels are more important than the actual relationship. While this man was fine with doing everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do, the actual label of such was unacceptable and frightening; he feared it would change everything.
While at the time I saw opening my mouth on the topic as a big mistake because it ended what I thought was happiness, I now see that I learned a lot from it. I waited four months to talk to him about what we were doing. I walked on eggshells around the subject because I was afraid I’d scare him and he’d leave. Yes, in the end, he did, but I feel that if I had known earlier on that he saw me nowhere in his future, that those four wasted months would have been drastically cut down.

So back to Matt. I looked at the situation and did two things. I tried not to compare our situation with the one I had with the devilishly handsome ex, but I did follow my gut. I had previously made the mistake of waiting too long before seeing if I was wasting my time, so this time I was just honest.
Turns out my gut was right. Matt was pulling the old high school move of being distant, with a pinch of asshole so that way I would do the dirty work of putting an end to the inevitable. He said that with him being so busy with work it wasn’t fair to me, and that I’d just resent him for being a jerk, the truth is I resented him for not being honest. Are men still afraid that women will cry? Or are they too lazy to be honest and just hope that us ladies will figure it out on our own?
Funny thing is that as busy as Matt always was and that he never had time for me, I saw him a week after we decided to call it quits at a local bar. He was with a cute blonde. Yep, I was angry, but she’ll learn so enough, I sure as hell know that he won’t .