Trial and Error

It has been awhile, yes I know….
While some like to say no news is good news, in this case, no news means just that: nothing new. I set out to try my theories obtained from The Manual, turns out it’s not as easy as it seems, to me that is.
Matt had wandered back into the picture since I wrote last. I allowed for his busy workweeks, and frequent trips out of town. I saw him casually, and had fun with him, it was great…at least I pretended it was. I tried not to question where things were going, or give our situation any kind of label, I mean that is what sends men running right?
Nevertheless, there was always that little voice in the back of head, or that flip way down in the pit of my stomach that had me questioning; questioning anything and everything.

I didn’t want to allow my previous trial and errors with men to affect what I had with Matt; why should he suffer for the ghosts of my boyfriends past. I wanted to go into things with Matt with a clean slate, allowing for a fresh start with no walls, barriers, or dishonesty.

The question I ask is: where do we stop in using our past failed relationships as a helpful travel guide through dating world, and when do start using our gut/intuition? Moreover, how do we recognize the difference from that gut feeling versus our apprehensions from our previous heartache?

There were telltale signs that Matt was a time waster for me. Besides being a workaholic, which for a young up and coming male in the Financial District is understandable. He was self centered and rarely took an interest in what was going on in my life. Weeks would go by without seeing Matt. We would have dinner, or spend a night in, and then he would jet off out of town for business. I tried to do my own thing, go out with my friends, not read into it, but there was always that feeling.

Lets travel back in time for a moment shall we… to a few years ago when I dated a devilishly handsome man. We met at work, and started out our relationship very secretively, not wanting to draw attention to our romance to co-workers. After some time things were going well and we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We became public with our relationship, we met each other’s friends, we got along great, had mutual interests and I thought we were happy. Then one day I was at a bar having drinks with friends when a man came up to me and asked me if I had a boyfriend. I had no idea how to answer…I mean my devilishly handsome man and I had been dating for 4 months, but were we considered a couple? Was he my boyfriend? So I ended the relationship that night.
Why would I do that you ask? Well it was done indirectly; I didn’t even see it coming. I made the mistake of asking my devilishly handsome man if we were a couple. I didn’t think it was an outrageous question, considering we had been seeing each other for 4 months. Apparently to him it was a scary question, he ran for the hills, stating that “if we identified our situation as a relationship by using such labels as ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ it would change the entire dynamic of what we had.” I was lost! What had just happened? This man with whom I had never had a fight with ended our relationship after 4 months because I told him I didn’t know how to answer the question “do you have a boyfriend?”
Apparently, to some, labels are more important than the actual relationship. While this man was fine with doing everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do, the actual label of such was unacceptable and frightening; he feared it would change everything.
While at the time I saw opening my mouth on the topic as a big mistake because it ended what I thought was happiness, I now see that I learned a lot from it. I waited four months to talk to him about what we were doing. I walked on eggshells around the subject because I was afraid I’d scare him and he’d leave. Yes, in the end, he did, but I feel that if I had known earlier on that he saw me nowhere in his future, that those four wasted months would have been drastically cut down.

So back to Matt. I looked at the situation and did two things. I tried not to compare our situation with the one I had with the devilishly handsome ex, but I did follow my gut. I had previously made the mistake of waiting too long before seeing if I was wasting my time, so this time I was just honest.
Turns out my gut was right. Matt was pulling the old high school move of being distant, with a pinch of asshole so that way I would do the dirty work of putting an end to the inevitable. He said that with him being so busy with work it wasn’t fair to me, and that I’d just resent him for being a jerk, the truth is I resented him for not being honest. Are men still afraid that women will cry? Or are they too lazy to be honest and just hope that us ladies will figure it out on our own?
Funny thing is that as busy as Matt always was and that he never had time for me, I saw him a week after we decided to call it quits at a local bar. He was with a cute blonde. Yep, I was angry, but she’ll learn so enough, I sure as hell know that he won’t .

Creating Your Own Line At The Door

I'm sitting here, fingers on the keyboard...thinking...straining...hoping for something exciting to pulse through my mind and appear on the computer monitor.
Matt has disappeared...literally. He went on a trip to Vegas with his boss and other work associates...and I haven't heard from him in awhile. I'm pretty sure he's married to a stripper named Foxy Roxy and working the blackjack table at Caesars.
Do I think I'll hear from Matt again? Yes, of course I will. Will it be soon? Probably not. You see Matt has used this time in Sin City to see if any feelings/desires came up for me while he was away. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but when you weren't really that interested to begin with...it can be hard to even remember a girls name after a week. Was it lack of interest, or was it myself being too available?
For the women out there, I know you've all read the book 'He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Guide to Understanding Guys' by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. What a great book, am I right?!?
With such great chapters as "He's just not that interested if he's not calling you" or "He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you", and my personal favorite chapter "He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you"; how can we women feel lost in the dating world when we have such great survival guides. Insert sarcasm here....
The book is light, and funny, and can be an easy way for us to pull the plug on scenarios that can potentially lead to a lot of headache and heartache. The concept that if I man does anything that you don't like or if he doesn't live up to some of our ridiculous expectations of how we should be treated, then forget him, dump him, get rid of him, 'cause he's obviously not interested in us, it is however unbelievably unrealistic. I understand that the book has been simplified for us ladies, to make the scenarios as easily applicable to the majority of the relationships we're in and the majority of the men we meet, but let's be honest here.
No matter how hot we are, there is no line at our door for the men waiting to take the spot of the Dumb-Dumb we just ditched because "he just wasn't that into us".
I know there are a lot of girls out there reading this and saying "No! It's true! I followed the book and now I'm happy with my man!" Good for you. I'm sure you also think that the fortune cookie that you got with your General Tao chicken last night also predicted your future and gave you your winning lottery numbers.
I found the book too black and white, and in all situations, it made men look like the bad guy. Of course the book told us how wonderful we are, how gorgeous we are, how we're strong, independent women, but then every chapter ended with every man not being interested in us. It seems to be a bit contradictory.
This past Monday, a close friend of mine bought me the book "The Manual" by Steve Santagati. It's written by a self proclaimed "bad boy", who has dated and played many women for many years. He breaks down why men do the things they do, and how we as women can learn to recognize these patterns in their behavior, master their game and win!
The book was pretty entertaining, even though the first few chapters were solely dedicated to women and how we should dress, exercise and generally present ourselves for men. Some may find it condescending, but it is in fact a simple reminder of how men are easy creatures to understand. Obviously by putting those topics first in the book, he demonstrated what men find to be the most important thing in a woman....um....ya, you got it, it's appearance.
Other chapters include discussions on keeping men guessing, letting them do the hunting, giving them their space, and so on.
My favorite chapter was on how women should date numerous men at once. It keeps you busy, and doesn't allow you to focus and analyze one particular person/relationship, and makes you seem unavailable to men, which makes them want to hunt/chase you.
But then we're back to the scenario I mentioned with "He's Just Not That Into You". What if you don't have that line up of men at your door?
I've decided to create a line up, and for girls looking to create their own line, I think you should join me on this experiment/journey. This blog doesn't hurt, and neither does my new attitude that "what's the worst that can happen?". My guy friends are always telling me how it's so much easier for a girl to get a date then a guy, all you have to do is ask. Sounds easy....so I'm giving it shot. If creating a line requires me to ask in order to receive, then consider me officially exercising my vocal cords.
January started off as a slow month, with Matt being a strong influence, but February has already started to show promise with some new faces into my dating line up. Is it coincidence that it is also falling in the same time line as the NHL first round trades? Maybe February is just the time of year that we should start shuffling the deck around, and stacking our team with some descent representation . Having a new, exciting player in our line up can sometimes hide the fact that we still have no shot at the playoffs, but hey...we're still loving the game.
I've put "He's Just Not That Into You" in the back of my bookshelf. It's done, old news, and not applicable. I'm going to give "The Manual" a shot this month and see how well it works.

To be noted....
Just as I was getting ready to publish this blog. Matt emerged from his Sin City escapades and asked to hang out. Steve Santagati is on to something here.....

Should I Stay or Should I Go ?!?!

Hello Mistake Followers!
It’s been awhile since my last post. There is a reason behind this….It’s that I have no idea what is going on?
When I last blogged, I had gone out with Matt for drinks and he asked if we could do it again. Matt never called…so after a week, I asked him out. This a new year for me, so I figured I try something new by making the first move. Well, Matt and I have gone out twice since then.
It’s not quite a fairytale ending just yet. We haven’t fallen in love, gotten married, moved to Suburbia, bought a big fluffy dog and lived happily ever after. Don’t forget ladies and gents….this is Toronto were talking about. You know… the city where men feel that they are God’s gift to women, and that we should be so lucky as to date one of them.
I’ll be honest though, Matt is adorable. He’s not a super model, but his confidence is through the roof. He is book smart, and has many degrees to prove it. He is very talkative, charming and funny which makes for a great date.
He also knows how to make a girl feel special. He pays for dinner and drinks, he holds doors, pulls out chairs, etc. What I’m trying to say is that Matt’s a man that knows how to play the game… and that is where the lines get blurry.
I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that I forgot there were rules. How could there not be? As much as we like to think that we’re not game players, dating is one giant game of who can hold their cards closest to their chest, keep their poker face in check, and still hold the best hand.
This is why I suck at poker. I’m too honest. There is no buffer on this girl. I have a horrible poker face, and when I’m excited/disappointed about the hand I was dealt, everyone knows it.
So after our 3 dates, I find myself in the predicament of trying to figure out if Matt’s not interested and doesn’t have the courage to be honest, or if he is interested and just playing a very careful game of cards.
Trying to make plans with this man is like trying make an appointment for a physical at my doctors office. I need to book time with him months in advance, and even then I'm not guaranteed to see him. It’s the process of texts, phone calls, voice mails, returning calls, moving schedules around, canceling, postponing, and so on and so on.
The old me wants very badly to just assume that he’s just keeping me around for when he’s bored, or when he wants to ‘wife-it up’ for the night. But the 2011 me says that I have to see where this goes, and remember that he has a Big Boy job, aka a job that doesn’t allow for many late weeknight martini sessions.
Also, someone once told me that good things don’t come easy. It is so much easier to walk away from something or someone that forces you out of your comfort zone, that pushes on the walls that took so long to build up.
So don’t fret, you will all be able to read about the outcomes of Man #1 of 2011 soon enough.

Keep following my challenge, and be sure to tell your friends.

Until next time...

Week One of the 2011 Challenge

Well, it's been seven days....a lot can happen in seven days. In my case....not much happened.

I guess I was expecting there to be a line up at my front door once the news of my 2011 dare/challenge hit the streets.
I was expecting phone calls, notes from secret admirers, flowers, candy, romantic candle lit dinners, walks in the snow covered parks, slow dancing to jazz quartets, men declaring their love by writing it in the sky with the use of planes. What? Are my expectations too high?

One thing I was fully expecting was at least a phone call, just one; but it never came. Case and point: New Years Eve Day a handsome man was dropped into my lap unexpectedly. While my plans of eating a bag of Ruffles All Dressed chips and polishing off a bottle of champagne by myself were already set in stone, I had to unfortunately decline his request to join him on New Years Eve. Let's not forget, it was my last opportunity to say "No" for the next 365 days. To my surprise this handsome man, let's call him Matt, messaged me the following day asking to join me for a quick drink before he had to meet some of his friends for dinner. My new word of 2011 being "Yes", I told him where I was and awaited his arrival.
It was an easy, no pressure, fun and flirty first time meeting. Turns out we have a lot in common and the conversation was not forced. I thought: "this challenge is going to be easy if this is what I have to go through for the next 365 days".
At around 8:30pm Matt had to leave for dinner with friends and asked if we could hang out again. Of course I said "Yes", and he leaned in, gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. Very nice, gentlemanly and sweet. That my friends is where the story ends. Pretty boring...I know.

Yes, there have been a couple of texts back and forth, but no mention of the request to hang out again. That's not to say it won't happen in the future but it does remind me of a great moment in TV history. One that makes light of this common situation that many of us find ourselves in quite often.

I have a feeling this challenge is going to teach me a lot, and remind me of some rules in the dating game that I may have forgotten. Funny enough, friends and family have taken an active interest, and I'm enjoying comparing stories with others. Seems I'm not the only one with some winnings tales up their sleeve.

2011 Challenge!!!

It's that time of year again. Where everyone starts making resolutions on how to better improve themselves. Whether it be physically (working out), mentally (finally starting therapy), or emotionally (finally quitting the job they hate so much!).

Like most of us, I'm horrible with resolutions, and by March I can barely remember what I was supposed to be striving for. This year, I've decided to accept a challenge for 2011. After being single for a few years (a lot of years), I began to question why. I didn't just ask myself, I actually asked my closest friends and family on what is wrong with me? I mean seriously... if I am actually doing something that is deterring my success rate with men, shouldn't I know about it so I can work towards fixing it?!?!
The responses were as follows:
* "You're too picky!" - classic response from those that don't want to give me a 'real' answer
* "You have horrible taste in men!" - very accurate
* "You chose emotional retards"
* "You seek men where you know that there is no chance of commitment or progression into any sort of relationship" - Dr.Phil gave me that answer

and my personal favorite....
* "You don't give men a chance"

While discussing these responses with some close friends of mine, they "dared" me to start dating outside my "type". Meaning, that I should give a shot to those guys that I wouldn't normally consider going out with. I accepted this challenge and decided to use it as a social experiment.
So...here it is folks, my dare/challenge for the year of 2011....

To prove that my choices in men are not the predominant factor
as to why I am always single and to prove that I in fact give men
a chance, I am saying 'Yes' to any man that asks me out.

WAIT!!!! Don't all start freaking out, or worrying that you'll see my face on a milk carton in the near future. There are some rules and guidelines to help weed out the crazies and the hornies that are just looking for fun.

1) Cannot be homeless, insane, or in possession of multiple personalities.
2) Must be employed.
3) Mustn't live with parents, in basement or attic of parents home. This also leads to point 4
4) No Momma's boys! Been there, done that, Momma always wins.
5) Cannot still be in love with Ex Girlfriend or 'the one that got away'.
6) No dutch dates. I'm not against The Dutch, just paying for my own meal/drinks on a date. The challenge is not to go out and make new friends, it's to challenge my single status. Making new guy friends to watch sports with isn't part of this dare.
7) No married men or men who already in serious relationships. (That drama is not worth any challenge/dare)
8) No toothless wonders, unless of course the date is with a member of the National Hockey League. I'm willing to make an exception in this case.
9) There is no guarantee of physical contact, so those looking for hook ups need not apply.
10) Friends are not allowed to interfere. If at any point I feel this social experiment is being sabotaged for personal entertainment of my friends I will cease to say 'yes'. Simply put, friends can't go around telling randoms to come ask me out because I can't say 'no'.

There it is, my challenge for 2011. Don't fret, this challenge has also sparked up my desire to blog and I will be updating you all with the progress of this experiment. Who knows what will happen, but let's be honest, knowing my luck, this is going to be hilarious and make for some great stories ;)

Follow my blog to see how everything turns out.

Fingers crossed, wish me luck!